Rebellion of the Random
by Amarie and the Inexplicable 3
Summary: When the Author unexpectedly dies, the inhabitants of this fic decide to take things into their own hands. What else could ensue but randomness? Chapter Three: Romance makes a good story... or does it?
1. In Which The Author Unexpectedly Dies

Final Fantasy VII and all related names and characters are property of Square. 

----------------------------------------------- 

"So tell me again," said Cloud, "_why_ are we here?" 

"It's very simple," said Elena patiently, "this is a comedy fic, so all sense of time, plot and characterization has just gone out the window. Therefore we're all one happy family for the time being." 

"And why do I have to act dumb? Sure, I don't really get this whole 'comedy fic' thing, but is that any reason for me to be cast as the oblivious one?" 

"That's the standard role for you in comedy fics. What, you have a complaint?" 

"Yes, I certainly do!" 

"Then please direct it to the Author. She's up there, on that rickety scaffolding." 

"Hey!" said the Author. "This is a throne, get it? I told you to call it a throne! Gosh, you people have no respect." She emphasized the point by waving her cardboard scepter around wildly. Unfortunately, this proved too much for the scaffolding, which promptly collapsed in a pile of sticks and kitchen twine. "Ouch... Hold on while I climb this tree, will you?" 

"What is with your fascination with high places?" asked Elena impatiently. "Now, Cloud here has a complaint. He's been waiting very patiently for you to finish, so get on it, all right? Some author you are." 

"Don't order me around, you lowly peon," said the Author from her uncomfortable perch in the tree. "I'll do what I want. Now what was it, Cloud?" 

"Well," Cloud began, "I don't like how you've cast me as a dumb, oblivious character. And..." But at this point, the Author was attacked by a tribe of rabid flying squirrels, fell from the tree, and promptly died, coming back, of course, as a disembodied spirit. 

"That's that, then," said Elena, poking the Author with her shoe. "Shall we get on with the story?" 

"Hey!" said the Author, but as she was a disembodied spirit, nobody heard her. 

"Why, certainly," replied Cloud, "for it's long past tea-time and we're running behind schedule." They left the random character conversation space and moved into the main body of the story to join their comrades... leaving the Author desperately trying to prevent the squirrels from eating her socks. 

---------------------------------------------- 

**Rebellion of the Random** ~ A Final Fantasy VII Comedy! 

"According to my research, sir," said Reeve, "you are only the fourth most resurrected character in fanfiction, not the second. Plus, in 40 percent of these fanfics, you eventually become a sympathetic character, and only 27 percent of the others cast you as a completely cold, heartless villain." 

"Damn!" said Rufus, pacing up and down behind his desk. "My reputation has seriously gone down the drain ever since the game ended. I need to do something to restore my image!" 

"You could cultivate the habit of absent-mindedly throwing people out of top-floor windows," suggested Reeve helpfully. "I believe it has worked for several tyrants in the past." 

"Our glass replacement costs are too high already. Besides, most of the people who really annoy me are too heavy to throw--" 

"Well, sir," said Reeve, "that may be simply be because you're not quite--" Rufus gave him a look, and he subsisted. "Er, I'm told that other characters are not happy with the state of things, either -- perhaps we should call a meeting to see what they have to say?" 

"Normally I would never agree to that, but since we are no longer bound by the rules of characterization, go ahead." 

Reeve left to arrange things, and Rufus sat down and started on the massive pile of paperwork adorning his desk. Meanwhile, the Author, who was still a disembodied spirit, watched from outside the window, fuming at the presumption of mere video game characters -- to disobey _her_, the Author! Who did they think was the boss here -- the actual real-life person, or a bunch of fictional polygon-people? Yes, she would have to teach them a lesson. 

But first -- how to become undisembodied? Ooh, that might be a problem. 

---------------------------------------------- 

Some time later, Cloud, Aerith, Tifa, Barret, Cid, Yuffie, Vincent and Red XIII were sitting around in a meeting room, along with the Turks and Reeve. An uncomfortable silence prevailed for quite a while, until a head poked round the door: 

"Reeve, the coffee machine's broken again," said Rufus. 

"Sir, we've been waiting for three hours for you to come down! What's been happening all that time?" 

"...Let's just say that Hojo's been at his artificial intelligence experiments again, and he -- well, the upshot is that I need someone to persuade the damn thing that there is no fingerprint identification necessary to get coffee, get back my second-best briefcase, which it confiscated as down payment for a triple cinnamon caramel mocha fudge frappucino, and turn it off so it'll stop shooting tranquillizer darts at anyone within two meters." 

"Do you really need your coffee to start the meeting, sir?" 

"Don't question me, Reeve, just fix the machine so it'll give me some coffee or you're fired." 

Yuffie, who had been fidgeting in her chair and restlessly eating her ample supply of snack food, now shot up, waving a thermos around. "Wait wait! I've got some coffee right here! I'll sell it to you for... say... five hundred gil?" 

"Done," said Rufus promptly, and handed over the money, snatching the thermos with the desperation of a coffee addict who has been deprived for nearly seven hours. "Aahhh... sweet nectar of life. Now then, where were we?" 

"The problem with trends in fanfiction, sir," put in Reeve, and the others nodded in agreement. 

"Right, so let's hear what is it exactly you have to complain about." 

"I'm always dumb, a jerk, or boring," said Cloud. 

"I never get to be sarcastic, tough, or strong, and I'm portrayed as a slut who doesn't deserve Cloud," said Aerith. 

"I never get any really good scenes, I'm always pathetically indecisive and helpless, or I'm portrayed as a slut who doesn't deserve Cloud," said Tifa. 

"I get counterintuitive and idiotic speech patterns, and no character development at all," said Barret. 

"What?" mumbled Cid, who was half-asleep. 

"I'm always a hyper, kleptomaniac brat," said Yuffie. 

"I'm tired of being fan service and having cheesy monologues," said Vincent. 

"I want more screen time, and not to be presented as a mere source of information or a housepet," said Red. 

The Turks piped up, but Rufus cut them off with, "You shouldn't have any complaints. All fanfiction authors love you, it's a well-known fact." 

Reeve didn't say anything, but no one noticed. 

"Any ideas on how to fix this problem?" he said. 

"We could stage a takeover of the main fanfiction sites." 

"We could threaten death to anyone who writes bad stories." 

"How about writing our own story?" suggested Cloud, showing considerable acuity for someone who was still struggling with the unfair designation of dumbness. "If we make it the best fanfic ever, we'll become well known and respected authors and be able to manipulate the conventions of fanfiction." 

"Wonderful idea!" 

"Wow, Cloud, I never knew you could be that smart. Must be all that fish you ate last week." 

"*snore*" 

"How are we going to do that, though? Aren't we kind of stuck in this story right now?" 

"Well," said Cloud, now thoroughly enjoying his role as the man with all the answers, "what you all -- except Elena -- don't know is that the Author got killed up in the random character conversation space there." He pointed upwards, and all eyes in the room went to the space up at the top of the page, where the Author's body was still lying, surrounded by squirrels who were trying to pull off her socks. "So now we can take over, and become our own authors!" 

"How does that work?" 

"Simple. As long as you achieve the right state of mind, you can attain unity with the story, oneness with its very being; thus your will becomes reality in the malleable landscape of the proto-real. In order to be the Author, you must perceive the threads of consciousness that hold together characters, places, and times, and reach out to the..." 

"Wow, that's... deep," said Yuffie, awed, and the rest of the listeners nodded in agreement. Tifa, though, was still squinting at the top of the page. 

"Hey, guys..." she said. 

"...an Author sees all through the glass of the plot; though structure is unnecessary in theory, the scaffolding of the mind..." 

"Guys, that's a great theory and all, but I have a feeling it has more to do with that big "Author" badge she's wearing. See, one of the squirrels's got it and he's making piles of nuts appear." 

"What? But that would mean only one of us... could be the Author..." Everyone looked at each other for a moment. Then all hell broke loose as they fought, scrabbled and kicked to be the first one to climb to the top. 

"I saw it first!" said Tifa, elbowing Reno in the stomach as she clung to the edge of page two. 

"I'm the one in charge here, you know!" yelled Rufus, attempting to shake off Elena, who had a death grip on his leg. 

"Mmf?" said Cid, who was still asleep in his chair. Reno lost his grip on page two and fell straight down, knocking off Barret, Tseng and Aerith, who then fell on top of Cid, giving him a rude awakening. 

"Hey! This isn't fair!" complained Red XIII from the bottom of the last page. "I can't scale vertical inclines!" 

Yuffie had clawed her way to the lead; she kicked off Reeve, who collided with Rude, knocking him off as well. Panting, she climbed up over the edge of the random character conversation space and charged the squirrels in posession of the badge with a heated "Yahhhhh!" 

Three seconds later, she fell back over the edge, accompanied by a shower of nuts and yelling "&*$@% squirrels!" on her way down. She managed to grab Vincent's cloak as she fell, screeching, "If I can't get the badge, neither will you, angst-boy!" Meanwhile, Cloud and Tifa had both reached the top; Cloud made short work of the squirrels and grabbed the badge. 

"It's mine!" he shouted triumphantly. Tifa, sensing defeat, quickly changed tactics. 

"Ooh, Cloud, you got it for me!" she squealed, hugging him. "Can I have it? Pretty please?" 

"Um... okay, I guess," said Cloud, fuddled by this open display of affection. He handed the badge to Tifa, who promptly pushed him off the edge in case he should change his mind. 

"Ha! I am the sole Author now!" she proclaimed, and was about to put it on when she was ambushed by Elena, who grabbed the badge and pushed her, in turn, over the edge. 

"Well done, Elena!" said Rufus, appearing from behind the tree. "Now just give the badge to me." 

"Hah! You fool, did you really think I'd give it to you? I was the one who got the Author killed, anyway; I should get it!" 

"Give it to me, or I'll fire you." 

"Oh yeah? Well, think again, boss. Once I put this on, I won't need you or your pathetic company anymore. I'll be free! Free! Bwahahaha! And I'll control you all! No more taking idiotic missions from snooty suits or dealing with uncouth co-workers, I'll run the whole world!" She laughed maniacally, so wrapped up in her triumphal monologue that she failed to see Rufus coming up to her until he actually snatched the badge and put it on. 

"What? That's... that's not fair! Uh... you know I was just kidding, don't you? I really was going to give it to you, really I was!" 

"Sure you were. When will you learn to leave maniacal monologues to the pros? Now then, my first command will be..." 

"Uh, sir?" said Elena. "Behind you.." 

"I'm surprised that you would stoop to such a low trick, Elena. You must really be desperate to try that one." 

"But there really is someone! He's trying to sneak up on you!" 

"Shut up, or I'll write you in a romance with Reno. And --" he was cut short by Cid, who had climbed up over the inert bodies of the others to get to the top faster once he woke up, and now bonked him over the head and grabbed the Author badge for himself. 

"Well, I _did_ warn you..." said Elena smugly. 

"Ain't gonna be no more %$^&*#in' argument about this," said Cid, "because my first order is everyone gets one day as Author. Of course, I get first turn. And if any mutinous $%&^*in' son of a ^&*$% tries to grab it, the $&%# will get fried by lightning. You got that?" 

"Perfectly clear," said Elena. "So... looks like it's Cid Rules The ^$@#*&in' World day." 

"Oh what fun," grumbled Rufus, who was still extremely annoyed at losing the chance to be sole Author. 

And so Cid's one-day reign as the Author of the story began... 

---------------------------------------------- 

Meanwhile, the real Author was snatching ineffectually at the badge. 

"Oh, woe is me!" she cried. "How I curse all those times I thought it would be cool to be insubstantial!" 

---------------------------------------------- 

author's notes: I decided I needed to write more comedy, so I embarked on a careful study of the anatomy of the FFVII comedy fic as exemplified here at ff.net. With three hours' research behind me, I feel confident that I will be able to replicate satisfactorily the atmosphere and tone of the very best random writers. Alas, I could not quite bring myself to employ the screenplay format; but I hope that my readers will overlook this minor breach of protocol and leave reviews that are no less incomprehensible than they would have been otherwise. 


	2. To The Big Rock Candy Planet!

Final Fantasy VII and all related names and characters are property of Square. 

----------------------------------------------- 

Aerith: Don't you think it's a bit hard on the Author? I mean, she got killed... shouldn't we revive her or something? After all, she sort of did the same thing for me. 

Author: (still disembodied) Yes! At least someone cares about me! 

Tseng: But she did it for her own evil purposes. It's hard, I tell you, being written about just because you're dead. It really lowers a character's self-esteem. 

Biggs, Wedge and Jessie: Well you're lucky! Nobody writes about us anyway! 

Rufus: I don't care at all. Each new fanfic is just another step to CONQUERING THE WORLD!!! Bwahahaha! *sees astonished looks of Aerith and Tseng* Er... I mean yes, it is very demeaning. 

Aerith: Wow! You guys are so wonderful! Let's start a Dead FFVII Characters support group! 

Rufus: Let's not and say we did. 

Sephiroth: Why am I not in the story? I demand to know! *waves Masamune around threateningly* 

everyone else: Yipe! *runs away* 

Author: Sephy-chan! *attempts to glomp but fails, being insubstantial* Don't go! I was going to put you in, really I was! 

Sephiroth: Good grief... I'm seeing disembodied fangirls! That's the last time I ever go to the Turks' Christmas party... *leaves to plot evil deeds* 

---------------------------------------------- 

**Rebellion of the Random** ~ A Final Fantasy VII Comedy!   
Chapter Two: To The Big Rock Candy Planet! 

Cid had fun waking everyone up with random showers of cold water, and after some short argument, ("You can't just make stuff appear out of nowhere!" protested Tifa -- "I've been readin' more fanfic while you all were asleep, and they do it all the %&^$#in' time," retorted Cid) they all climbed into the shiny brand-new rocket that was now sitting outside Midgar. 

"Where's my TEA?!" yelled Cid from his comfortable chair in the cockpit, as the rest of the crew ran back and forth frantically preparing the rocket for takeoff. Shera was down a few levels double-checking everything, so it was Aerith who showed up with the steaming cup of Earl Grey. She balanced it on the control panel carefully and turned to go -- 

"Sugar!" said Cid, noticing something different about his tea. "Where's the sugar?" 

"Yuffie's eaten all the sugar." Indeed, the young ninja had been bouncing off the walls for quite some time after they had foolishly allowed her to take inventory of the provisions. 

"$%^&$!!! How can I have tea without the &*^(%in' sugar?" He thought for a moment. No time to unseal the doors and go get more sugar... "I know! %^*&, I am a *&^%*&in' genius!" 

"What?" Aerith asked apprehensively. She really hoped he wouldn't say... 

"We'll go find the legendary Big Rock Candy Planet!" Cid grinned smugly. "Who the hell else would have thought of such a ^*%*in' brilliant plan?" 

"Um, I hate to say this, but not even the Ancients knew of the legendary Big Rock Candy Planet," said Aerith. "In fact, one of the things I read in the City of the Ancients was a note saying that despite popular superstition--" 

"Set course for the Big Rock Candy Planet!" yelled Cid into the intercom, even though he was setting the course himself. He leaned back in the chair to contemplate his amazing presence of mind. 

"-- there was no such thing as the Big Rock Candy Planet," finished Aerith lamely. "Oh well... I guess I'll go below and polish up the pickaxes." She left, shaking her head in disbelief. 

At the same time, an anguished wail of "What do you mean, it doesn't do coffee?!?!?!?" rang through the ship. Arriving back downstairs at the crew cabin, Aerith was bowled over by a white-and-blond blur racing in the opposite direction. As she picked herself up, voices drifted from above... 

"I need coffee NOW!" 

Cid opened an eye and was gratified to see that Rufus was still sporting a large lump on the back of the head. "What the hell d'ya want coffee for? On my rocket, everyone drinks tea -- none of that %**&%(^in' coffee stuff." 

"What?! I can't drink tea! It's... it's not a suitable drink for dictators!" 

"Sorry to break it to you, pal, but the dictator 'round here is me. Now get the #$%&* back downstairs before I throw you off." 

Elsewhere, Yuffie was counting her leftover coffee candies and trying to decide whether waiting till Rufus was a bit more desperate for coffee would get her a better price for them. "Hey Barret?" 

"What?" 

"Do you think the Big Rock Candy Planet comes in different flavors? Y'know, like... say... oh, coffee?" 

"The Big Rock Candy Planet comes in every flavor imaginable," said Barret with conviction. 

"Hmmmm... better get going now, then, or I won't get half as much." She hopped down from the top of the computer bank and ran off. To her consternation, she found that by the time she actually found her buyer, she had unwittingly started sucking on a handful of her candies. Rufus viewed the sticky, wet mess with suspicion, but still agreed to pay a hundred gil for the lot. Yuffie skipped away with her profits as Cid decided that the story needed to say what everyone else was doing at the same time -- 

Tifa and Red XIII were trying to program the navigational computer to run video games. 

Cloud was puzzling over some wiring which he had inadvertently tripped over and pulled out. ("Now what was it? Green with blue... or maybe red?") 

Shera, having exhausted her list of diagnostic tests, was hanging lucky charms all over tank number eight. 

Barret and Reno were engaged in a heated argument about the veracity of the Big Rock Candy Planet legends, while Rude and Tseng looked on impassively. 

Elena was telling Aerith and Reeve all about injustice in the workplace; Aerith was waiting to see if she'd realize that Reeve had fallen asleep three minutes ago. 

Vincent was brooding in a corner like usual. 

Having brought the audience up to date on the whereabouts of the rest of the gang, Cid started the countdown. "Three... two... one..." The rocket took off, throwing everyone else into confusion as they all realized that Cid had neglected to provide his shiny brand-new rocket with seatbelts. 

"What the--" gasped Rufus, discovering that the coffee-candy mess was now stuck firmly to the sleeve of his trademark white suit. He didn't get much time to think about it, though, as another jerk of the rocket sent him stumbling across the room, where the candy also became entangled in Aerith's hair; Reeve went to untangle it and instead got his hand stuck. 

Meanwhile Tifa smacked into Reno, who couldn't believe his luck until she punched him in the face, Yuffie scrambled around trying to pick up all the coins she had dropped, and Red, being much more stable on four legs, ignored all this and went on deciphering the navigational programs. 

Needless to say, Aerith was less than thrilled to have two people stuck to her hair. "_What_ are you doing? Get away from my hair!" she screamed, waving her arms around wildly. Hearing her, the others came in to see what was happening. 

"It's not our fault," said Reeve quickly, seeing the expression on Cloud's face. "It was those coffee candies President Rufus was holding..." 

"Do you know how much it costs to dry-clean a suit like this?" said Rufus. "If someone doesn't do something quickly, it might stain permanently!" He tugged at his sleeve, causing Aerith no small pain; she was on the verge of hitting him with a well-placed magic lightning bolt when Yuffie spoke up. 

"You've got to freeze it!" she said. "At least I think... it might have been gum... no, I'm sure it was candy. Just put it in the freezer for a few hours and it'll come right off!" 

"Really?" said Tifa. 

"Yep! It's amazing how much you can learn by reading those books of household hints!" 

Aerith was skeptical. "You're saying I have to freeze my _head?_ That doesn't sound like it would work too well..." 

But nobody could come up with anything else, and so the three ended up in the walk-in freezer that had inexplicably been built into the rocket. It only barely qualified as "walk-in", as it was about four feet square and the door was so low that it was technically impossible to "walk" in. 

"You're _sure_ you'll remember to come and check on us?" Aerith's voice echoed nervously from behind the door. 

"Oh absitively posolutely," said Yuffie reassuringly. "I mean... yeah. That is, if I don't..." 

"Don't what?" said Rufus, who was wedged into one of the shelves ("It's just not proper for all of us to be squeezed into the middle," Reeve had explained, "and since you're on the side with the shelves...") and thought he could already feel a leg cramp coming on. 

"Nothing! No, now that I think of it, there's absolutely nothing that would keep me from coming back!" Yuffie skipped off cheerfully, saying over and over to herself, "Don't forget to check the freezer... Don't forget to check the freezer... Don't forget to check the freezer... Don't forget to check the freezer... Hey, Red! Is that Tetris you're playing on the navigation system? Cooooool!! Hey, lemme try!" 

(Two hours later...) 

"...Y'know, Red, there was something I was supposed to remember... Oh yeah! I can't forget to go have a snack before we leave the rocket! Gotta get that energy in." 

Meanwhile, conditions in the freezer were rapidly becoming uncomfortable. Aerith had turned an interesting shade of blue, Reeve was shivering uncontrollably, and Rufus... was asleep and, by the look of it, not cold at all. 

"Lucky &^&($, must be all those superfluous layers he wears," muttered Reeve. "That suit of his could stop a bullet, it's so thick." More annoyed than usual, he reached over and poked Rufus, who woke with a start and sat up, detaching his sleeve from Aerith's hair and the frozen coffee candy. 

"It's stained!" he said peevishly. "Now I'll have to send the Turks to the cleaners with it again. They'll be grumbling for days about errand-running... How long have we been in here?" Aerith and Reeve glared at him and started loudly yelling for help again, in the faint hope that someone would pass by. 

Cid squinted at his display. "Big Rock Candy Planet sighted!" he yelled into the intercom. "All hands prepare for landing!" 

Below, everyone scrambled to find something solid to hold on to. Aerith, Reeve and Rufus, still in the freezer, couldn't hear a word of Cid's announcement over the sound of teeth chattering, and continued banging on the door in hopes of rescue. 

"Landing in three..." 

Yuffie, safely strapped into a seat in the main room, wondered what it could possibly be that she had forgotten. 

"...two..." 

Maybe Aerith knew... but come to think of it, Yuffie hadn't seen her around in a while... 

"...one..." 

Or perhaps some ice cream would help her memory. 

"...Touchdown!" Everything rocked violently for a moment, and then settled down. Back in the freezer, Reeve and the coffee candy had detached themselves from Aerith, taking a good bit of hair with them, Aerith was rubbing her head painfully, and Rufus had taken no notice of the sudden jolt and was still complaining about his suit. 

As the others made ready to go out onto the surface of the planet, Yuffie headed for the freezer to grab a quick bite of ice cream. She pulled the door open... 

"Hey guys, what are you doing in here? Can you hand me the ice cream -- Aaugh!" A few minutes later, the three former popsicles sauntered casually into the main room, where the others were already gathered. 

"There you are!" cried Tifa. "I've been looking all over for you! Didn't you know we're just about to go out and explore the surface?" 

"Get going, people," said Cid, "or we'll leave you in the &^(^$*@in' rocket. And by the way, where's the brat? She was bouncin' off the walls in here just a second ago." 

"She... um... she's staying here," said Reeve innocently. "She's just going to eat ice cream and... er... chill out." Behind him, Aerith and Rufus were both seized with a sudden fit of coughing. Cid glared at them suspiciously, but accepted the explanation. 

As the door opened, the first sight they beheld was the sun setting over the sugary montains in the distance. Cid scowled at it, but took off the badge -- whereupon the rocket abruptly disappeared and there was a moment of silence, followed by screams and yells as everyone fell twenty feet onto the ground, all the while fighting to get ahold of the badge again. 

Unfortunately, the badge slipped out of Reno's hand just as Barret tackled him, sending it flying and rolling into a nearby lake of icing. Cloud lunged for it, but was a second too late and ended up with a faceful of icing while the badge floated serenely out towards the very middle of the huge lake. 

"Oh, nice one Cloud!" said Reno sarcastically, to cover the fact that he himself had been the one who dropped it. "Now how are we going to get home?" 

"Mpfblaagh!" spluttered Cloud, who had never liked chocolate icing. 

And so we leave our heroes, staring distraught at the priceless badge that is their only means of escape from this toothache-inducing alien world. Will they ever recover it? Well, of course they will! ...You weren't expecting a cliffhanger, were you? 

------------------------------------------ 

author's notes: Blargh. I really don't like this chapter, but school has been draining all my creative energy lately. Hopefully, a clean slate with the next chapter will make it easier to write. Oh, and I know I promised to have this up last week, but I have been buried under a veritable mountain of homework for the last month, so bear with me, okay? ^^; 


	3. Random Romance: Oneupmanship

Chapter Three: Random Romance, Part I: One-upmanship

Five hours later:

"Hey, Cloud, why are you still sitting there? C'mon and try some of these cupcake bushes!"

"Er... no thanks, Yuffie. I need to concentrate on getting that badge back, otherwise we may be stuck here for days."

"And what would be so bad about that?" said Yuffie cheerfully, hopping up and down on sugar high after having spent hours consuming candy. "This place is the best! Nothing but sweets to eat and nothing but soda to drink! I could definitely get used to this." She emphasized her point by turning a cartwheel.

Cloud poked at the edge of the icing lake with a candy-cane branch. "You'll get tired of it soon enough. I have a feeling this chapter is going to be a cautionary tale."

"You're no fun. What's a little toothache?" Yuffie grumbled. She stuck her tongue out and backflipped away.

A little ways away, the rest of the gang had wandered off and were exploring the landscape.

"Just think of the possibilities, Reeve," mused Rufus, contemplating the vast cotton-candy forest. "Once the space program gets underway, we could become not only the world's only energy supplier but also the sole controller of the desserts business... What's so funny?"

"Uh... nothing, sir," said Reeve hastily. "That's very perceptive of you... I mean, there must be vast areas of untapped market power in the realm of dessert retail."

"Exactly! Think about it... we could have a Shinra coffeeshop on every corner! And then -- expansions into amusement park snacks and the home baking market! We could redefine the city as Midgar, the Dessert Capital of the World!"

"Amazing prospect, sir," said Reeve, standing on his own toes in an attempt to keep a straight face.

Further on, the Turks were standing around, uneasily aware that their backdrop of lollipop trees and gingerbread sheep was definitely not doing anything for their coolness. Well, except Reno, who had his feet braced against one of the trees and was trying to pull off an exceptionally large branch. One glance told the others why: the four-foot lollipop was conveniently wrapped in cellophane and bore a fancy paper tag proclaiming "Butter Rum Flavor (artificial)".

"Uh, Reno, you do realize that "butter rum flavor" doesn't necessarily mean "alcoholic", don't you?" said Elena carefully. With Reno, you never could tell what the motivation was.

"After that letdown over the chocolate pond, I'm willing to try anything," grumbled Reno, who was suffering the effects of too much sugar and not enough alcohol. "'Chocolate liquor' my ass! You couldn't get a moogle drunk on that stuff."

Tseng sighed. "Reno, your ignorance when it comes to subjects other than alcohol, weapons, and televised wrestling never ceases to amaze me. Now will you stop that? You're detracting from our coolness, which is not at its best in this environment in the first place."

"But boss... even if it's not alcoholic, think of how cool it'll look in the break room! How many other divisions of the company get to bring back giant lollipops from their business trips? Think about it! Beats boring ol' carved masks and fly-fishing trophies any day, yo! Don't ya want one in your office? We could have it engraved and put on a gold-plated stand and... and your cats could lick it!"

"Shut it, Reno," snapped Elena. "You were the one who got us all into this mess in the first place and if you don't stop you'll completely ruin our image!" She coughed. "God, I'm thirsty."

"River of grape soda right there." Reno jerked his head towards the nearby stream.

"No thank you! You people are such pigs, eating all those sweets. I have my figure to think of." She pulled out a bottle of 'Shinra 100 Fat-Free Spring Water' and a granola bar.

"'s a shame to be dieting in a place like this," said Reno sadly. "Don't you have any sense of fun, yo?"

"You know what's fun, Reno? It's going to be fun to watch everyone else get the reward they deserve for being so insensitive to their health." Elena took a dainty sip of her water, and suddenly the other Turks found themselves staring at the bottle of clear, cool, refreshing...

Tseng cleared his throat. "Elena, it has just occurred to me that we have nothing to drink here but beverages of high sugar content, and that this may eventually lead to dehydration, which would significantly impair our ability to do our job and look cool. Therefore... I have decided to ration out your water bottle for the remainder of the time we are on this planet."

"Well..." said Elena. "I don't think there's enough for all four of us. Besides, it was _your _responsibility to make sure everyone had the right gear, wasn't it?"

"I don't think you understand the situation. Here and now, there are more important things to worry about than your diet."

"But sir, you don't even know the calorie content of these trees..." At that moment, a cry of triumph sounded from beyond the river of soda.

"I've got it!" Indeed, the badge was almost within reach of a candy cane held by Cloud, who was lying flat on the surface of the icing with a leg anchored by Tifa, who was leaning precariously out over the lake with her other hand grasping a gumdrop tree for support. He poked with the candy cane once -- twice -- but it only pushed the badge farther away. "Damn... it's no use!"

But just then, Tifa exclaimed in surprise and a small foot bounced off his head, giving him a faceful of sticky chocolate. When Cloud finally floundered back to shore, Cait Sith was dancing over to Reeve, who took the recovered badge with an infuriating air of innocence.

"Why look at this," he said, polishing it on his shirt. "I do believe it's my day to be Author. And my first act--" the Big Rock Candy Planet suddenly jumped and shimmied before the eyes like a caffeinated acrobat -- "will be to take us home!"

---

"This is booooooring." Yuffie kicked her heels against the side of the sofa. "C'mon, catman, think of something already! What are we gonna do this time?"

"I don't know..." Aerith chimed in. "I think the peace and quiet is rather nice, really."

Reeve ignored them both and continued thinking, chin in hand, and looking very intelligent and serious. Everyone else simply talked amongst themselves or rolled their eyes. It had been an hour and a half so far.

Suddenly he sat bolt upright. An illusory lightbulb flashed briefly over his head in the accepted manner for someone who's just had a brilliant idea.

"I've got it!" he cried triumphantly. "We're trying to attract as many readers as possible to this fanfiction, right?"

"Uh... yeah, I guess we are," said Barret, propping a foot on the coffee table and wearing a long-suffering look. "You got a plan?"

"Do I ever!" said Reeve, beaming at the assembled company. "According to my extensive research, a very popular aspect of fanfiction is 'pairings', or romantic plots."

"...You mean I was paying you to sit around reading romance novels?" inquired Rufus, sounding rather annoyed. "I don't like the sound of this."

"Oh no, Mr. President, this is a provable fact! Romance in stories makes them much more popular! In fact, I don't think we can afford to go without it." He pulled out a notecard with a list scribbled on it and read over it briefly. "The interesting thing is that the more improbable the 'pairing', the more readers it seems to attract. So why not take it to the next level and make them completely random? That should give us quite a boost!"

He beamed some more. His audience was decidedly unimpressed.

"So let me get this straight," said Cloud. "You're asking us to randomly pair off? Just like that?"

"Oh no no," said Reeve, looking shocked. "No, just do something romantic. Pretend, really. I think that we should pick names out of a hat, and the first three pairs will go on a date. That should be enough 'romance' to get some more reviews."

"What if we can't think of anything romantic?"

"Hmm... I know! We'll give you scripts! That way it'll be quite painless. In any case," Reeve added, "I am the Author for today, so my decision is final."

And so, with many grumbles and groans, the drawing began.

"Our first volunteer is Aerith!" Aerith looked rather nervous, and Tifa patted her hand while Reeve drew the next name. "And..." He suddenly frowned, and looked positively spooked. "Er, I think there's been a mistake. It says... Sephiroth."

There was a nearly simultaneous mutual gasp from the listeners. Aerith paled, and Cloud's expression turned thunderous. "Why did you put _his_ name in there?"

"I don't know," said Reeve, perplexed. "I'm sure I didn't... though that certainly would attract people... but no, I'll definitely draw again." Unfortunately, the inexplicable rules of the story chose that moment to intrude, and before he could tear up the slip, there was a convenient flash of light and Aerith was gone.

Somewhere else, an extremely annoyed villain was wondering just where the wreaking havoc had stopped and this infernally bright and cheerful city had started. And that was bad enough before a thick annotated script hit him on the head.

And off in the wings, the Author cackled happily. She'd made things go her way for once!

---

"...and it says here we're contractually obliged to mention 'glowing emerald orbs' at least once," read Aerith. "What a strange phrase. I don't think I really want to..."

"That was once," replied Sephiroth, idly lopping the head off an innocent passerby. "Idiot."

Aerith put her hands on her hips and scowled at him in frustration. "Would you please stop that?"

"Killing people, or calling you names?"

"Both!"

"I could kill you and call them names," he suggested, the aforementioned emerald orbs brightening with his trademark mad gleam. Aerith sighed. It was worse than dealing with a two-year-old.

"Look," she explained, "I don't want to be here. You don't want to be here. The only way for us _not _to be here is to go along with the plan. All right? Besides," she couldn't repress a trace of smugness, "if you kill me I'll just come right back again."

"And after this you'll go away?"

"I certainly hope so."

"Fine." Sephiroth leaned back against a convenient wall, arms folded and wearing a perfectly bored expression. What a waste of an afternoon that could have been spent monologuing or wreaking death and destruction. He wasn't going to spend much effort on it, anyway. "What are we supposed to do?"

Aerith glanced over the list of popular suggestions, and blushed hotly. Resisting the sudden urge to punch her unwelcome companion, she quickly stuffed it in her pocket.

"Er... how about you buy me a milkshake?" she suggested lamely.

"...You're asking me, a living god and the destined dominator of the universe, who moreover killed you very dead, to buy you a milkshake?" He raised an eyebrow.

"After killing me very dead, as you put it, it's the least you could do. Unless..." Aerith suddenly suspected something, and a slight amusement crept into her tone. "Unless you can't?"

"Gods have no need of petty pocket change," replied Sephiroth haughtily, but he definitely looked a shade less self-satisfied than before. Aerith couldn't help but giggle while he glared at the sky in badly disguised annoyance. Ah, sweet revenge.

"All right, then I'll just have to buy you one," she said when she'd finished laughing. That had been worth it.

The small diner where they eventually stopped was clean and cheerful, and looking around it Aerith could almost feel like she was out on a normal spring afternoon, having fun. At least until she noticed Sephiroth happily demolishing the shoe store across the street. Beating a hasty retreat, she managed to get the both of them to the park, where there were fewer things to kill, smash or set on fire. It wasn't until she'd finally found a reasonably clean bench that she noticed he'd already finished his own milkshake and was starting on hers.

"Hey! What do you think you're doing with that?" She swiped ineffectually at the plastic cup, but he held it up out of her reach, mockingly.

"Now now. Since I'm a god, everything is mine to do what I wish with. Including milkshakes." He took another drink, to make it perfectly clear.

Aerith narrowed her eyes. "But you can't do whatever you want with things and people. People belong to themselves, anyway..." She trailed off, with a sinking feeling in her stomach, as she saw Sephiroth holding up a familiar-looking list, and remembered that they were both supposed to get a copy of the script...

"Oh, I think not. People are simply useful tools. For example, some of the suggestions on here sound very useful. Especially..." He grinned wolfishly, and Aerith jumped back a step, her expression combining fright and seething outrage. "...you buying me another milkshake. And chocolate this time."

"Wha--" After that fright, it took a moment for Aerith to realize she'd been fooled. "You... you _insufferable git!"_ she snapped, turning a fetching shade of pink to match her dress. "Give that back!" Killing her was bad enough, but playing pranks? She wasn't going to let him one-up her again.

Once more self-satisfied and revenged on the irritating girl, Sephiroth magnanimously decided to let her have the drink back. He hated strawberry, anyway. Taking a seat on the bench, he went back to looking bored and at length deigned to say, "Is there anything else to finish in order to get out of here?"

Slightly calmer after finishing the stolen milkshake (it might have been formerly drunk by her greatest enemy, but she was _not _going to let him have the satisfaction of making her waste her money), Aerith read from her own paper: "Now I have to say something affirming and you have to say something repentant." They looked over the top of their scripts at each other. And for once it was neither a look of hatred, or revulsion, or rivalry. For in that moment the legendary General and the last of the Cetra shared one singular feeling.

Which could be adequately summed up as: _what the hell?_

Aerith cleared her throat. This was silly, but the sooner over the better. "Um... while I used to think you were completely devoid of all redeeming qualities, I realize that you actually have enough kindness left in you to share a half-drunk stolen milkshake. Too bad that still doesn't lift you above the level of the average cockroach." She smiled triumphantly. Let's see if Sephiroth could top that!

He thought for a minute, tapping one gloved finger against the bench, then lifted his gaze to meet hers and smirked. "I deeply and truly regret ever having met you, you pestilent, self-righteous annoyance." Ha! The Cetra girl's pathetic wit was no match for the brilliance of a god!

"Oh come on." Aerith shook her head derisively. "Who bought you that milkshake, anyway? Besides, I could say the exact same thing about you, you delusional..." But just as Sephiroth opened his mouth to cut in with a particularly scathing remark, there was a flash of light, and the park, along with Aerith, faded away. In slight surprise he realized the task had been completed, and then against all expectations he cursed the fate that had forever set them apart.

For it had deprived him of the chance to deliver the perfect comeback.

---

**Author's Notes:** After two years, one of the few stories I've ever written and really liked is resurrected. I apologize for the unevenness of this chapter -- the first part was written two years ago and the rest was written last night.

Spoofing romance fics was inevitable, of course, and it turned out to be quite a lot of fun. Aerith/Sephiroth is actually a pairing I'm rather fond of, but I only know of two or three stories that really make it believeable. Who knows, maybe that could be my next serious project? XD


End file.
